So it's Monday and I think I might have a case of them! I know I know...bad joke! But it's been over 4 months and today was my first day back to work 100%! I've been off after the accident for a couple months - I went in a few times but I wasn't ready. I think I tried to push myself to get things in my life back to how they were with going to work and trying to do "normal" everyday things. Today I don't really remember much about going back to work those couple times in January...my head was still not right.
Then February 9th 2007 I had wrist surgery on my right wrist. I had gotten the left wrist worked on January 2006. I had a torn ligament in each wrist that was from an injury from at least 4 or 5 years back. The Doc made 4 small 1/2 cm incisions and fixed me right up...because of the repair I was off work (Dr's orders) until I was told. That way I'd heal up right. It came at a good time because I still needed time off to process all this crap that I'd been put through and it was much needed.
Now it's March 26 - 4 months and 5 days after the accident and I'm READY TO WORK. That's a HUGE step for me and a great feeling. It's nice to get back to a routine and get paid for working. I'm not done grieving, I'm not over Billy, I'm not ready to accept that he's no longer here. I'm just ready to TRY and move on. I know Billy would already be mad at me for taking this long to get things somewhat "normal" again. I'm sure he's proud of me and knows how hard things are for me. I guess I just have to work at making myself somewhat happy again. I know that I will never forget him and my memories of him are what keeps me going.
Work is life. Death is unescapable. Love lasts forever. Memories are never forgotten. And Billy will be my strength to live on.
Fuck! I can't write or think anything without crying.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Flashes...not being able to sleep.
So it's currently 5am on a Wednesday Night / Thursday Morning (whichever you go by) and I cannot sleep. Tonight while trying to fall asleep just like every other night I get flashes of scenes from the accident. Just random flashes. I'm not even sleeping or thinking about the accident or what happened. It happens without warning.
The weird thing about these flashes is that I'm seeing things as if I was in Billy's place. I always seem to be the driving the van he was driving, sitting in the seat he was sitting in, feeling like I'm in the body that he had, acting like he would act, and reacting like he would have. I'm driving and what flashes before me is the last second before I (or Billy) drive head on in to the transport. I have these almost everynight and several times.
What I'm curious about (and I hope I am 100% wrong) is if that may have happened to him. It's like as if Billy fell alseep driving and wakes up at the last minute before he drives into the transport. During that split second of seeing what is happening I also see scenes flash before me. It's always a different scene or time that happened. Always a time that I knew him, nothing before I was involved. I hope for his sake that he didn't see anything coming and didn't have that reaction like I am having. That would be the worst feeling / thought to have before you die.
....Billy I hope that never happened to you. I really really really do. And I miss you soooooooooo much. I think about you all the time and still cannot even believe you are no longer by my side....
I'm also wondering if I could be getting these flashes because no one really knows what happened. This could just be ideas / possibilities that could be the truth. No one knows and will ever know. Then again I think that what if Billy is trying to tell me something or send a message to let me know what happened.
....Again, please, I hope this did not happen to you. Baby, I love you....
Thats all for tonight. I cannot discuss this right now anymore.
The weird thing about these flashes is that I'm seeing things as if I was in Billy's place. I always seem to be the driving the van he was driving, sitting in the seat he was sitting in, feeling like I'm in the body that he had, acting like he would act, and reacting like he would have. I'm driving and what flashes before me is the last second before I (or Billy) drive head on in to the transport. I have these almost everynight and several times.
What I'm curious about (and I hope I am 100% wrong) is if that may have happened to him. It's like as if Billy fell alseep driving and wakes up at the last minute before he drives into the transport. During that split second of seeing what is happening I also see scenes flash before me. It's always a different scene or time that happened. Always a time that I knew him, nothing before I was involved. I hope for his sake that he didn't see anything coming and didn't have that reaction like I am having. That would be the worst feeling / thought to have before you die.
....Billy I hope that never happened to you. I really really really do. And I miss you soooooooooo much. I think about you all the time and still cannot even believe you are no longer by my side....
I'm also wondering if I could be getting these flashes because no one really knows what happened. This could just be ideas / possibilities that could be the truth. No one knows and will ever know. Then again I think that what if Billy is trying to tell me something or send a message to let me know what happened.
....Again, please, I hope this did not happen to you. Baby, I love you....
Thats all for tonight. I cannot discuss this right now anymore.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Funny Story
A funny thing about Billy and I....
We could never make a decision, and I mean NEVER!! Mostly about where we were going to eat dinner that night or what we were going to have for dinner. Or even what we were going to do for the night (ex.. movie, tv, pub, ...) We would sit for 20 mins, 30 mins, 1 hour...and just say:
"where do you want to eat?"
"I don't care (or "It doesn't matter to me")"
"well we need to decide"
"ok, so just pick a place"
"where do you want to eat?"
"It doesn't matter"
....and on and on and on and on...
Seriously, we would just sit around and hang out while trying to make the decision. It's not like all we were doing was deciding...haha. Eventually we would just pick a place, the person who decided was the person who was soooo hungry they just picked any place or whoever got frustrated first and made a decision.
The funny thing is neither of us really cared where we ate...we were just happy being together and doing something....I miss that so much.
Even trying to decide what movie to watch when there was more than one in question...we ended up taking turns on deciding movies. Tonight I picked the movie, tomorrow Billy picks the movie, etc.
We were so comfortable with each other that we didn't care about this as long as we were together.....
We could never make a decision, and I mean NEVER!! Mostly about where we were going to eat dinner that night or what we were going to have for dinner. Or even what we were going to do for the night (ex.. movie, tv, pub, ...) We would sit for 20 mins, 30 mins, 1 hour...and just say:
"where do you want to eat?"
"I don't care (or "It doesn't matter to me")"
"well we need to decide"
"ok, so just pick a place"
"where do you want to eat?"
"It doesn't matter"
....and on and on and on and on...
Seriously, we would just sit around and hang out while trying to make the decision. It's not like all we were doing was deciding...haha. Eventually we would just pick a place, the person who decided was the person who was soooo hungry they just picked any place or whoever got frustrated first and made a decision.
The funny thing is neither of us really cared where we ate...we were just happy being together and doing something....I miss that so much.
Even trying to decide what movie to watch when there was more than one in question...we ended up taking turns on deciding movies. Tonight I picked the movie, tomorrow Billy picks the movie, etc.
We were so comfortable with each other that we didn't care about this as long as we were together.....
Friday, March 2, 2007
Damaged Goods...part 2
Anyways...continuing on....the accident happened at 7:15am in the morning. I was sleeping and didn't wake up until about 8:30am, I just couldn't get outta bed that morning, so I slept for another hour. Eventually I got up and went to work, it was probably around 11am when I got there. Work was shitty! I kept calling Billy's house and his cell phone and never got an answer....
At 1pm the receptionist came and said my dad was at the front lobby...I just didn't understand why he was there??? I got the the front doors and saw the OPP there with my dad, 2 OPP officers standing outside. The first thing I thought was something happened to someone on my dads side of the family or Billy got in trouble and went to jail...never did I even think something happened to Billy, NEVER! I got outside and the OPP officers were very professional and said to me "Erin, Billy was killed in an accident at 7:15am this morning. He was killed instantly and didn't suffer" After that I remeber almost collapsing and my dad catching me...the next several minutes were just a blur.
My dad came to get me and take me to his parents house, it was about a 25 min drive. I wasn't allowed to drive my Jeep so I had to leave it at work, my mom would get it later that night. As my dad was driving I called my mom at home and told her what happened. She broke down and made me come and see her before I went to Billy's. On the way there I called my best friend to tell her....there was no answer so I left a message to call me back because it was an "emergency" I've never used those words before...never called anything an emergency. She was out of town for business. At least 1000 miles away.
She called just as I got to my moms house, and said "so what's the big emergency?" I told her and she couldn't believe it...I don't remember a lot of what was said. I was in a lot of shock and don't remember a lot of all the little details. My friend then called everyone else to let them know what had happened, because there was no way I was going to be able to. I was just crying my eyes out when I got off the phone, I collapsed on the floor at one point. Then after talking with my mom for a few minutes and just being frantic, I had to get out to be with Billy's family. My dad drove me there.
Once I got to his house there were so many people there already, his friends and family had just gotten there or were arriving. I got in and walked in the door and hugged his family...everyone was asking how I was doing and I the same. His mom had said that when I called earlier that morning the OPP were there and didn't let them answer the phone...they wanted to get to me first. They didn't want me to do anything stupid like jump in my car and drive out there all upset. After the OPP left their house they came to get me at work.
The rest of the afternoon involved family and friends arriving and hugging, and crying and talking about what happened and talking about Billy and how amazing he was. We watched the 6 o'clock news to see what was said about the accident. The images were graphic and tears were falling all around. Everyone gathered in the house to watch the 5 min clip. It was about 9pm by the time I got back to my apartment, I grabbed a bunch of clothes and stuff and then my dad took me to my moms house. I stayed over for several days because I couldn't stay alone.
That night a friend came by to visit, and my aunts came over too. They were all very concerned about me. They just sat with me and talked and then watched the news again with me at 11:30pm. I had to see it again and I had to tape it. I just needed to know I had it available if I had needed to watch it again.
That night I couldn't sleep at all...I could barely even dry my eyes for a second. I think I slept for about 2 hours total that night....if that! Something that did comfort me a bit is this...The weekend before (just 4 days earlier) we had gotten some Taco Bell and he got a Chicken soft taco and spilled it over a hoodie he was wearing. He switched for another hoodie and left the dirty hoodie in my back seat. I remembered that it was still in my Jeep, I got the hoodie, stain and all, and slept with it in my arms. It still smelled like him so it was soothing...
At 1pm the receptionist came and said my dad was at the front lobby...I just didn't understand why he was there??? I got the the front doors and saw the OPP there with my dad, 2 OPP officers standing outside. The first thing I thought was something happened to someone on my dads side of the family or Billy got in trouble and went to jail...never did I even think something happened to Billy, NEVER! I got outside and the OPP officers were very professional and said to me "Erin, Billy was killed in an accident at 7:15am this morning. He was killed instantly and didn't suffer" After that I remeber almost collapsing and my dad catching me...the next several minutes were just a blur.
My dad came to get me and take me to his parents house, it was about a 25 min drive. I wasn't allowed to drive my Jeep so I had to leave it at work, my mom would get it later that night. As my dad was driving I called my mom at home and told her what happened. She broke down and made me come and see her before I went to Billy's. On the way there I called my best friend to tell her....there was no answer so I left a message to call me back because it was an "emergency" I've never used those words before...never called anything an emergency. She was out of town for business. At least 1000 miles away.
She called just as I got to my moms house, and said "so what's the big emergency?" I told her and she couldn't believe it...I don't remember a lot of what was said. I was in a lot of shock and don't remember a lot of all the little details. My friend then called everyone else to let them know what had happened, because there was no way I was going to be able to. I was just crying my eyes out when I got off the phone, I collapsed on the floor at one point. Then after talking with my mom for a few minutes and just being frantic, I had to get out to be with Billy's family. My dad drove me there.
Once I got to his house there were so many people there already, his friends and family had just gotten there or were arriving. I got in and walked in the door and hugged his family...everyone was asking how I was doing and I the same. His mom had said that when I called earlier that morning the OPP were there and didn't let them answer the phone...they wanted to get to me first. They didn't want me to do anything stupid like jump in my car and drive out there all upset. After the OPP left their house they came to get me at work.
The rest of the afternoon involved family and friends arriving and hugging, and crying and talking about what happened and talking about Billy and how amazing he was. We watched the 6 o'clock news to see what was said about the accident. The images were graphic and tears were falling all around. Everyone gathered in the house to watch the 5 min clip. It was about 9pm by the time I got back to my apartment, I grabbed a bunch of clothes and stuff and then my dad took me to my moms house. I stayed over for several days because I couldn't stay alone.
That night a friend came by to visit, and my aunts came over too. They were all very concerned about me. They just sat with me and talked and then watched the news again with me at 11:30pm. I had to see it again and I had to tape it. I just needed to know I had it available if I had needed to watch it again.
That night I couldn't sleep at all...I could barely even dry my eyes for a second. I think I slept for about 2 hours total that night....if that! Something that did comfort me a bit is this...The weekend before (just 4 days earlier) we had gotten some Taco Bell and he got a Chicken soft taco and spilled it over a hoodie he was wearing. He switched for another hoodie and left the dirty hoodie in my back seat. I remembered that it was still in my Jeep, I got the hoodie, stain and all, and slept with it in my arms. It still smelled like him so it was soothing...
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